one day a crazy...

are you wearing your grubbies?

this is going to get messy.

...

  my house is dirty. not messy. dirty. 

and my closets, cupboards and pantries are unorganized.  

i'm hanging on to "generally tidy" and my sanity by a thread

on top of dirty, 

my carpets are urined-on, smoothie-stained and frayed at the edges where the cat has "made do" with not having a scratching post.  

there isn't a square inch of wall that isn't scratched, boogied, smudged, or cob webbed.

the kids need beds.

the deck needs a rail.

the boiler needs to be replaced.

every thing needs paint.  

and the yard -

i don't know where to begin.

it's like our needy girlfriend.

...

i like to call monday"chore day."

it's my day to stay in and "get things done" (hilarious, really).  

yesterday morning i had visions of clean bathrooms and organized closets.

i know better than to make a plan...

but i was going to feel the sweet satisfaction of getting something done. 

dang it!

i had the gumption and that's half the battle, right.

unfortunately, 

my gumption was no match for

the child pictured below.

the truth is,

i was defeated even before my gumption got out of bed.

...

 don't get me wrong, jane is incredible

and so funny and lovely.

i. adore. her.

but she is also nearing 2 years old. 

and that means she requires teaching and training. 

all. day. long.  

and i must stay calm, be firm and attend to her behaviours

(we don't hit or scratch or throw toys or throw fits, we be gentle and happy to share, we say "yes of course!" we say please and thank you. when i ask you to come here, you must obey.) 

from the moment she screams my name at 5:45 in the morning to 6:55-ish in the evening  

when i kiss her good night. 

i have to remember.  

it's good work. it's hard work. it's my life's work.

 and somedays like yesterday it leaves no time for cleaning bathrooms or organizing drawers 

or cooking dinner.

and that is to be expected.

...  

i'm normally pretty chill.  

i usually know where to focus.

i consider it one of my better assets - my chill-ness.

but not yesterday, for some reason.

 yesterday i was crazy.

i even hit a wall (not figuratively).

the to-do list above made me weep and

i mourned a clean house and the feelings of productivity i love.

some of it must have been hormonal because even now, seeing it (the list) in writing, 

a tantrum doesn't seem like the best response.

anyway,

today was much better.

i shared time in my day with women who encouraged my spirit

and

i meditated on the following.

it's my go-to.

(paranthesis) mine:

"Lord, you have assigned me my (house) portion and my (children) cup; you have made my lot secure.  The boundary lines (the walls and carpets) have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely i will have a delightful inheritance.  I will  praise the Lord, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me.  I have set the Lord always before me.  Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.  Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body will also rest secure because you will not abandon me to the grave, nor will you let your Holy One see decay.  You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence..."  Psalm 16:5-11