the magic of ordinary days

* from a year ago.  
i found it in my drafts.

jane won't be my horse!
she never wants to be my horse!

honey, i can't help you with this.
i'm not going to tell jane to be your horse.

she just wants to visit.
she always just wants to play visiting!

i'd like to say the conversation ended there but it didn't.
we spent some time after talking about our hearts when someone doesn't want to be our horse.
and then how to be ok when they decide they do.
we need grace people.

they are fine now.  i think bo is in there checking their hooves.

at the dinner table last night, bo confessed that he might have brought some garbage from the neighbours yard into his room.  he passionately explained his desire to repurpose the thrown away items into inventions and creations.

after dinner i walked into his room and found an entire bag of trash sitting on his desk.
as in someone had put their trash out at the curb and my son dragged it into his room.

palm to forehead.


is blogging out?

it's so weird...
one day you just 
the internal 
your $800 Nikon dies.
and then a year flies by.
to be honest,
i'm not sure how to just pick up after a year.
 point form?
also, i'm not sure if i know how to communicate without emoticons.
* kids are amazing.  charlee is almost 8, bodhi is 6 and jane is almost 5.
i don't have babies anymore.
they are big kids.
all three of them are bright, 
fiercely independent and 
insanely creative
(emphasis on insanely).
i mean. just look at them. 

fact: i could write a book with the things that come out bo's mouth.
for example, 
back in january gary and i began contemplating trying to have another baby.
we thought very seriously on the matter and 
felt it was important to include the kids in the conversation.
of course they wanted the same thing we did,
another chance
the only one i was concerned about was bodhi.  
he took the loss of his "brothers"
so hard.
i remember lying in bed with him and saying,
"you know, bud, if momma get's pregnant again 
there is a good chance
it could be a girl."
to which he replied ever so confidently, 
"no momma.  two. boys."

* two boys, coming september 23, 2014.
last week we hit the 23 week mark.
both boys look beautiful. 
absolutely no sign of TTTS to date. 
* more about this later. hopefully or maybe...

*pregnancy hair is so so awesome. 
compression tights in summer are so so not. 
the kids refer to them as my
"depression tights,"
it cracks me up. 


a little youtube love

i'm fine tuning a new skill over here.
i think i might be working through the stages of grief  
in songs on youtube (is that a thing?)
and in tonights case, a rihanna (heaven help me) cover,
by jeff. with bieber hair (no disrespect). 
music is safe.
it's whole body 
and spiritual.  
it has a way of bleeding what needs to leave.



the prize...

 the sun keeps shining 
and life keeps happening.
and we make it through.  
it's a miracle really.
we shared easter weekend with my family
and attended their easter sunday church community celebration.
it was pretty hip and groovy and made me want to boogie, for the most part.
as part of the service, a couple shared 
what "hope," the kind that comes from jesus, looks like
after the heart break of loosing an infant
for unexplainable reasons.  

they told their story
 and it was really fun.
 not really.
it actually felt like a bad joke 
in our guts.
we writhed and 
wiped at our eyes like maniacs 
and kept giving each other 
"this is awesome" looks.  
that's what we do when we feel vulnerable.
it's comical.
(for the record, we love that couple now.
we love them for getting up there and being all bruised and naked
and praising jesus anyway. it truly did minister to us).   
for me
loosing my boys
has meant
that pain has moved into one of the spare rooms
of my heart.
and she is here to stay.
she's an interesting character - 
social skills are a bit off.  
we are getting along fine.
it hasn't gotten weird or anything.  

when any of the following things happen she opens her door
and holds my hand for a while: 

passing the baby section at the store.
seeing sweet sleeping baby boys on instagram 
because everyone seems to have one right now.  
seeing the soft swollen pregnant bellies of the women i meet and know and love. 
when one of the receptionists at the doctor office uses a patronizing tone with me.
when my new family doctor tells me to stop talking so he can give me a hug.
when bodhi asks me if i saw jesus when his brothers were taken to be with him.
my favorite thing the couple shared 
was that hope looked like being 
surprised at how well they really were doing with it all,  
surprised by the joy.
"yeah."  i thought.  
"me too."  

pain and joy are surprising good neighbours 
made possible because of hope in jesus.
 it's like a math problem that shouldn't work.
but it does.   

it works because hope in jesus says  
jesus is the prize.
he is not a means. 
he. is. the. prize...
(this is what i am learning at our church these days).
all of the things in life are the means to him.  
the peace and the storm,
the pain and the joy,  
the tears and the laughter,
they mean to lead us to the prize...  
i mean the Prize.  

so all of that to say,
we are doing well, surprisingly well.
and i'm learning to be ok
with my sometimes erratic, sometimes uncomfortable and reclusive bag-lady pain.
and i'd be ok with yours too.
if you ever see me squirmy and wiping away tears like a maniac,
you can be sure that she has me by the hand
and is leading me down they way made by hope to the
comfort found in jesus,
my Prize.

so there...

fyi, this post was made possible by the following:
mostly because of the line,
watch me fall apart, watch me fall apart.



i'm not going to lie.
i wish this time in life could last forever...
i love where we are, what we are doing
and how we are doing it.
we go places.
and meet people.
we try new stuff.
we read 
and cut out
and paste 
we do math.
even though sometimes math is hard.
sidenote: i'm pretty sure bo is a genius.
and char is wise for her years.
 we paint stuff
 and build stuff.
 we practice
love, gentleness,
and joyful attitudes
while picking up stuff...
we take lessons... 
 and celebrate accomplishments.
 then we talk about the stuff we want to try next.
basket ball?
jr. zoologist (if there is such a glorious thing)? 
also, jr. inventors?

and mostly
we just lay around,
snuggling and kissing
and stuff

not really...
but doesn't that sound great?


sun and bliss

and this: 



weeks now.
i want or need or both 
to share my favorite photos of 
our beautiful little boys.  
and one of the songs i listen to when i miss them.