still me...

well, i'm sure most who come here know
our sweet little twin boys
tank walter davey & tom walter davey
went to be with jesus
on november 23.  
i'm not sure how else to continue here without sharing.

(cue dry heave).

on november 20th
i went to have my first scan with the perinatologist at 23 weeks,
my second scan, overall. 
during, it was evident, our boys had been
 compromised by twin to twin transfusion syndrome.  
a syndrome that has to do with unequal blood flow from the placenta.
there is a doner baby - tom (baby b)
and a recipient - tank (baby a).  
the result was that tom had only 2 cm of fluid
while tank had nearly 10 litres.

the reason for my discomfort was evident.
my uterus was extended far beyond where it should have been.
there was pressure on my spine
and lungs.
my skin was stretched and swollen.  
in one week's time, i gained, what i now know, was 6 pounds of fluid.
it was not all
"just twins"
as i had kept telling myself.

despite their situation we were encouraged,
 the boys seemed good.
even though, we couldn't see a bladder on tom,
their dopplers were normal
and 2 cm. of fluid is better than no cm. of fluid.

things moved quickly.
the boys where fine
but they would not be for long.
action was necessary.
people began praying.
we felt it.
we saw it.

we were in to the women's hospital on the 22nd.
i was scanned and scanned.
we were given our options.
the numbers were sombre
but the attitude was positive.
i was a perfect candidate for the most aggressive form of treatment,
a lazer procedure.
it made sense to me.
everything fell in to place.
the operating room was scheduled for 7:30 the next morning.
i had peace.
i was not anxious.

the 23rd.
all i will say of this day is that
our sons
were beautiful.
 they looked so much like their big brother
and we loved them so so much.

saturday morning, the 24th
 our incredible dr. at the women's hospital
came in to our room and sat down with us.  
she had my file.
she asked a few questions.
and then she started to cry.    
what we learned and what we are still learning
is that mistakes were made.
our first scan was not sent for six weeks.
there was poor communication between the first doctor that saw me
and the dr. i was referred to.
there was no follow-up.
my symptoms were glaring and missed.  
my first appointment at the perinatologist that took place at 23 weeks 
should have happened between 14 and 16 weeks.  
this could have should have been caught
before i was so extended,
measuring beyond full term,
uterus ready to labour.

all of our dr.'s have cried with us.
no one has denied
this should not
have happened
this way.

but it did.

how are we doing?

we are damaged.
we feel a mixed, messed, bag of emotions all the time.
we eat and drink wine at nights.
we cry
and pray
and plan our memorial tattoos.
we laugh hysterically.
we hold on together.
we try to sleep
and sometimes take ativan.
we get tired
and awkward with people.
  we are sad.
we are

we are grateful
for our three beautiful children,
for the intense and overwhelming love of
our family
and friends
and strangers,
 for the joy of the lord
and that our saviour
 doesn't let us
"cry it out"

the lord is my shepherd, 
i shall not be in want.
he makes me to lie down in green pastures
he leads me beside quiet waters
he restores my soul
he guides me in paths of righteousness for his names sake.
even though i walk the the valley of the shadow of death
i will fear no evil. 
for you are with me.
your rod and your staff, they comfort me.  
-psalm 23

i hate that this happened every day.
but i don't wonder why.
i don't wonder how i will deal.

i chose how i would deal
the moment
 i gave my life to the lord.

i will let grace stand between me and you.
i will point all of my hurts and questions to the cross.
i will let love grow in the dark places
i will continue to laugh
and blog
and cook dinner for my family.
i will keep being me.
and i will say
over and over again

"our love is not victory march
it's a cold and it's a broken 
- taken from leonard cohen's hallelujah

(most likely taken completely out of context - sorry leonard.
also i feel as if i should also give some credit to k.d. lang here.
without whom and her cover on u-tube, i may have not made it through this post)

also this.


don't the hours grow shorter as the days go by?
you never get to stop and open your eyes

one day you're waiting for the sky to fall

the next you're dazzled by the beauty of it all
when you're lovers in a dangerous time
lovers in a dangerous time

these fragile bodies of touch and taste

this vibrant skin, this hair like lace

spirits open to the thrust of grace
never a breath you can afford to waste

when you're lovers in a dangerous time

lovers in a dangerous time

when you're lovers in a dangerous time
lovers in a dangerous time

when you're lovers in a dangerous time

sometimes you're made to feel as if your love's a crime

nothing worth having comes without some kind of fight
got to kick at the darkness till it bleeds daylight

-bruce cockburn 1983