12.17.2012

still me...

well, i'm sure most who come here know
our sweet little twin boys
tank walter davey & tom walter davey
went to be with jesus
on november 23.  
i'm not sure how else to continue here without sharing.

(cue dry heave).

on november 20th
i went to have my first scan with the perinatologist at 23 weeks,
my second scan, overall. 
during, it was evident, our boys had been
 compromised by twin to twin transfusion syndrome.  
a syndrome that has to do with unequal blood flow from the placenta.
there is a doner baby - tom (baby b)
and a recipient - tank (baby a).  
the result was that tom had only 2 cm of fluid
while tank had nearly 10 litres.

the reason for my discomfort was evident.
my uterus was extended far beyond where it should have been.
there was pressure on my spine
and lungs.
my skin was stretched and swollen.  
in one week's time, i gained, what i now know, was 6 pounds of fluid.
it was not all
"just twins"
as i had kept telling myself.

despite their situation we were encouraged,
 the boys seemed good.
even though, we couldn't see a bladder on tom,
their dopplers were normal
and 2 cm. of fluid is better than no cm. of fluid.

things moved quickly.
the boys where fine
but they would not be for long.
action was necessary.
people began praying.
we felt it.
we saw it.

we were in to the women's hospital on the 22nd.
i was scanned and scanned.
we were given our options.
the numbers were sombre
but the attitude was positive.
i was a perfect candidate for the most aggressive form of treatment,
a lazer procedure.
it made sense to me.
everything fell in to place.
the operating room was scheduled for 7:30 the next morning.
i had peace.
i was not anxious.


the 23rd.
surgery...
labour...
...
all i will say of this day is that
our sons
were beautiful.
 they looked so much like their big brother
and we loved them so so much.


saturday morning, the 24th
 our incredible dr. at the women's hospital
came in to our room and sat down with us.  
she had my file.
she asked a few questions.
and then she started to cry.    
what we learned and what we are still learning
is that mistakes were made.
our first scan was not sent for six weeks.
there was poor communication between the first doctor that saw me
and the dr. i was referred to.
there was no follow-up.
my symptoms were glaring and missed.  
my first appointment at the perinatologist that took place at 23 weeks 
should have happened between 14 and 16 weeks.  
this could have should have been caught
before i was so extended,
measuring beyond full term,
uterus ready to labour.

all of our dr.'s have cried with us.
no one has denied
this should not
have happened
this way.

but it did.
...

so,
how are we doing?

we are damaged.
we feel a mixed, messed, bag of emotions all the time.
we eat and drink wine at nights.
we cry
and pray
and plan our memorial tattoos.
we laugh hysterically.
we hold on together.
we try to sleep
and sometimes take ativan.
we get tired
and awkward with people.
  we are sad.
we are
grateful.

we are grateful
for our three beautiful children,
for the intense and overwhelming love of
our family
and friends
and strangers,
 for the joy of the lord
and that our saviour
 doesn't let us
"cry it out"
alone.

the lord is my shepherd, 
i shall not be in want.
he makes me to lie down in green pastures
he leads me beside quiet waters
he restores my soul
he guides me in paths of righteousness for his names sake.
even though i walk the the valley of the shadow of death
i will fear no evil. 
for you are with me.
your rod and your staff, they comfort me.  
-psalm 23
...

i hate that this happened every day.
but i don't wonder why.
and
i don't wonder how i will deal.

i chose how i would deal
the moment
 i gave my life to the lord.

i will let grace stand between me and you.
i will point all of my hurts and questions to the cross.
i will let love grow in the dark places
i will continue to laugh
and blog
and cook dinner for my family.
i will keep being me.
and i will say
over and over again
 "hallelujah."

"our love is not victory march
it's a cold and it's a broken 
hallelujah."
- taken from leonard cohen's hallelujah

(most likely taken completely out of context - sorry leonard.
also i feel as if i should also give some credit to k.d. lang here.
without whom and her cover on u-tube, i may have not made it through this post)

also this.

21 comments:

  1. i didn't know what to do with my grief that saturday morning, so i sat in my garden, crying, picking out dead flowers and cat poop (we don't have a cat... go figure) and planting daffodils. for you. for your boys. so when they emerge in the spring they will remind me of life, of grace, of your family whom i love dearly. all SEVEN of you.

    thanks for sharing this part of your story with us. we're dwelling in this current space with you and also looking forward with hope to the coming chapters.

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  2. This is a brave and beautiful post. Thank you. I cannot imagine what it would be like to go through that but the humility and open-ness in this response makes me want to face things in my life with more grace. Hoping you continue to get thru it together and see great joy for 2013.

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    Replies
    1. thank you for your kind words!
      hope and joy to you as well.

      car

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  3. We knew each other once at CBC and I'm not sure how I stumbled upon your blog. I feel that this is a sacred space and am reluctant to comment, but at the same time I'm compelled to say that I will add my prayers to those that have surrounded you. I am so sorry for your tremendous loss. I have a history of premature birth and infancy loss and am currently on bed rest trying to keep a 16 week baby safe after a cerclage last week. I have extra time to remember your family as you walk this path to healing.

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    Replies
    1. hi leanne,

      thank you for your kind words of encouragement.
      i will praying for you as well!

      car

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  4. Hugs. Thanks for sharing, I am vividly remembering our losses as I read this and feeling your pain. You're not alone on this journey, you never forget, but the pain and raw emotion lessen with time. Cry lots and drink lots of wine!

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    Replies
    1. thanks, adel!
      every day is better... and it most likely has to do with the wine. ;)
      bless you!

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  5. Beautifuly written and so from your heart. I' m sending a big hug and praying for you, Gary and your wonderful family.

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    Replies
    1. thank you dianne!

      bless you and yours as well!

      car

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  6. My dear friend how I have sobbed for you and how I have been praying for you. Last week I had reflected on Psalm 23 for 3 hours in silence at the Mark Centre before you posted this and I have been praying a covering over you. I have told you a million times thank you for how you were there so faithfully with me in my own time of grief. It was your loving faithfulness that helped me recover.

    I pray for you now...

    "Jesus, my friend feels pain and grief in her soul - perhaps anger, fear, and confusion that she may not know how to process. I pray she and Gary may trust you and surrender their questions to you to make room to receive your grace and comfort.

    Jesus, bind their mind, will, and emotions to you, Lord. May they know joy, peace, and hope beyond the emptiness they feel now. I pray that somehow they can cherish the good, and trust you with the rest. You are our strength, Jesus, and our source; you are our comforter and guide through this valley of sadness. Please lavish your grace and mercy on them now. In your Name, Jesus, Amen."

    I love you Carleigh and I pray that I can walk with you as you need and as you so faithfully walked with me in my deepest anguish.

    - Merri Ellen

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    Replies
    1. friend...

      thank you and bound i am... bound i am, like a fetter.

      love you!

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  7. I have never commented before, but want you to know that I was deeply sorry to read about your devastating losses. I will pray for your you and your family.

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    Replies
    1. thank you carol!
      we are so grateful for your prayers.

      car

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  8. thank you for sharing.. :)
    I have thought about you and your family often in the last few weeks and all your blog posts make me laugh and cry and give me strength.. your faith in God is inspiring..
    :)

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    Replies
    1. thank you, kacey!

      had we not our faith in our Jesus, a different mess, i think you would find...

      bless you in your heart.
      and those beautiful girls.
      car

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  9. you don't know me... but i have been thinking and praying for you often. may you continue to feel peace and comfort as you journey. he will be faithful. he promises.

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    Replies
    1. thank you rosanna,

      kind thanks and blessings,
      even though i don't know you. ;)

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  10. Thank you for sharing your story of love, loss, and hope. I am touched & encouraged. May God continue to hold you & your precious boys in the palm of His hands. I love the names you chose for your little angels!
    ~Janese (family friend from the ol' SBC days)

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  11. My dearest and sweet friend,
    Words are one of those things that that can touch a person's soul; they can soothe and heal. I have never been a person of great words other than those from my heart. They seem so inadequate sometimes. Your words in this post were beautiful, comforting and gracious. I wish that I had the right words to share my heart with you. They are all jumbled and grammatically incorrect -- I have not stopped praying for you and your family. I adore your names, they bring a smile to my face and tears to my eyes. Your heart and faith is inspiring. Thank you for sharing, it comforted my achy heart. You are my champion. I loves you, Carleigh. Sending you and your family lots of hugs. xo

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